《情绪管理十二讲》第3版：第五讲毒性人格，为何不能正常诠释

《情绪管理十二讲》第3版：第五讲毒性人格，为何不能正常诠释第五讲-毒性人格，为何不能正常诠释

（本文为任由之Léo 翻译）

我们在生活中似乎都遇到过这样的人，他永远都是对的，不容置疑。更过分的是，这样的人似乎总可以让他们身边的人屈服，妥协。而正常人，在不知名原因的影响下，被这样的人重重束缚与控制，不可挣脱。

上面的一小段描述是对我们生活中最常见的毒性人际关系一些症状的简短概述。毒性人际关系本身是一个非常巨大严肃的话题。今天，我们只来探讨这其中一个非常具象的层面：为什么有些人可以固执到无可复加的程度？重要提示：本文是我自身对这个心理学病理层面现象的分析与感悟。如果你在生活中不幸处于毒性人际关系之中，请尽快寻求心理专家帮助。

在一个人成长的过程中，对于各个不同的阶段，有一个隐性的时间表。现代科学已经证明，对于人类婴幼儿，他们是分不清自己和这个世界的界限的。举一个最明显的例子，当一个幼儿看到另一个孩子摔倒，或者被割伤，自己便也会很难过地哭号起来。他自己分不清楚受伤的那个孩子不是自己。很多人会以为这样的小孩子是对别人的痛苦感同身受，高情商的表现。这是不准确的，在婴幼儿期，这个表现的原因是其还没有完整的自我意识。如果你仔细回想，有可能还能想到自己幼儿时期的模糊记忆。在这个模糊记忆里，你仔细翻找，说不定会想起那个自己就是世界的感受。具体一点，幼儿园的老师，小朋友，和桌椅板凳都是因为自己而存在的。当自己跟父母回家之后，这些东西在我们当时幼小的心灵里就不存在了。这个世界独立于我们意志而存在并运转这个概念，我们一般是到了更大的年纪才开始领会到。

之后随着一个人精神的成长，在儿童期或青春期早期的以后，我们会开始认识到这个世界和我们的个体之间有一个隔阂。在一个人精神成长的心路历程里，这个觉醒是一个决定性的时刻。个体在经过这个改变之后，开始认识到世界并不是完全围着自己在转。在现代心理学中，这个改变被称之为自我意识的觉醒。我对于这个改变有一个假设：在我们的成长过程中，可以触发自我意识觉醒的时间点有一个既定窗口：儿童期到青春期早期。我建立这个推论的原因是通过观察有自我意识问题的成年人，错过了这个时期以后，他们在此之后自我意识觉醒的可能性相对低很多。

这还没有结束，之后还有更精彩的续集。这些在儿童及青春期早期没有觉醒的个体，在之后的生活中，会与自我意识觉醒背道而驰。原因是自我意识中的逃避自我保护机制在时刻发力，来缓解因为没有自我意识而经历的巨量痛苦。这样说起来你似乎觉得很不直观，难以理解。那么换句话来说，对于自我意识没有觉醒的人，他们的主观意识里就没有“在我看来”这个概念。原因也很简单，因为“我”这个概念的完整建立，是需要以自我觉醒为前提的。正是因为没有这个完整丰满的“我“的概念，这样的人就无法意识到，自己所有的所思所想，都无一例外的是自己主观对这个世界的解读。当一个人意识不到自己所有的思想都是自己主观解读的表现的时候，他在社交上的问题也就凸显了出来。“在我看来”，或者“以鄙人的拙见”，不仅是不同人之间交往的必要缓冲，也同时是厚重和兼收并蓄的成熟人格的前提。原因也不难看出：一个人须要先认识到自己的存在。其次，在自我意识觉醒的前提下，才有可能看到自己作为个体的局限。只有当看到了局限，并且接受了自己作为个体的局限，一个人格才有可能走向成熟，与最终的超脱。

现在我们就更容易理解为什么有的人一辈子刚愎自用，不可理喻。面对这样一个人，我们所有的交流努力就像撞到一堵墙，不管什么样的讨论，争执，都没有任何效果。因为在他的精神世界，自我是不存在的。那么他的思辨就不会带有丝毫的开放度与灵活性。因为我即是世界，那我的思辨结论即是不可质疑的真理。别人所有的话语，在我的真理面前，都黯然失色。我永远是对的。

本文最后，是一个小提示。上面所分析的是受害者在毒性人际关系中一个主要的痛苦根源：被对方刚愎自用噤声的痛苦，以及自己的声音不被认可的窒息感。但上面所讨论的，并不是受害者无法脱离这个毒性关系的原因。至于为什么毒性人格会把他的受害者越困越紧这个更大的话题，暂时不是像这样的小文所探讨的范畴。

Toxic personality, why some people are impossible to reason with

We all have crossed that someone in our life, who is always right and cannot be challenged. What more, he or she seems to force everyone around him or her to submit to their way of doing things with next to 0 flexibility. For some reason, we are bound to them unfortunately, unable to break free for different reasons.

Above is a brief description of symptoms of one of the most common toxic relationships that we experience in life. This is a serious topic that deserves more attention and deeper analysis. Today, we’ll try to shed some light on the deeper level that is why some people are like this. Disclaimer: this is my take away on the reason why people turn out like this. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship with someone having similar characteristic traits, please consult a psychological professional for help.

In the process of growing up, many tasks have been carried out according to a predefined time table. It has already been scientifically proven that very small babies cannot understand the boundary between himself and the world. The most obvious example would be if a toddler saw another fall, or get cut, he or she will spontaneously cry as if the pain is happening to himself. This is not a sign of super developed empathy but a yet developed self-awareness. If you try hard enough, you might even recall some memories of your toddler days in which the world does not exist independently of yourself. Once one left the kindergarten, all the people and everything they interacted with there during the day stopped existing for the kid.

Then with mental growth comes along in the pre-adolescent children, we start to realize that there’s a clear gap between the world and ourselves. This is the deciding moment that a person starts to realize that everything does not resolve around himself. In psychology, this is called the awakening of self-awareness. For now, my hypothesis is that there’s a time window for this process during our growth. I think this should happen somewhere pre-adolescence or during early adolescence. The reason for my deduction is that it seems to me if someone who made it across the adolescence without ever having the self-awakening process, it does not happen later in life neither.

Then, something even more fascinating happens. These individuals that hadn’t had their self-awareness would have been pushed even further from it later in life due to huge amount of coping mechanisms. To make it easier to visualize, this sort of individual does not have the concept “in my personal opinion” at all. Since there is no “self” in their existence, there’s no possibility to see that what they experience and learn is under the omnipresent theme of “personal interpretation” of truth. This is very problematic for social life, because “in my personal opinion” is indeed the buffer in any conflicts of values and social confrontations. Furthermore, it is not only a buffer to lubricate social encounters, but also the foundation of open-mindedness. Because only after one’s realization of self, the acceptation of his or her limits as one individual can happen. And again it is after the acceptation of one’s mortal limit, he or she can evolve further and to be genuinely open-minded.

Now it is clearer why in discussions with certain people, none of what you say would be heard and you’ll always be crushed by the firmness in front of you. Because there’s no self in their psyche, thus everything they come up with equals the ultimate truth. Under this circumstance, your words would always be weaker than the “truth”.

It is worth pointing out that, for a toxic relationship with some one of this kind, what has been discussed above is one of the main sources of constant suffering for the victim. But it is not exactly one of the binding forces that keeps the victim in this relationship. The binding forces are another big subject that deserves more detailed analysis.

情绪管理十二讲

原书名：Paris gold Key

（巴黎金钥匙）

Léo Paris

巴黎雷欧著

Paris 2019

内容简介

这是一本从非常别致的角度解析情绪管理的著作，是从作者的系列心理学讲座中挑选出来的。巴黎雷欧（李由、任由之）的系列心理学讲座，在法国、美国青年中颇受欢迎，特试译为中文版本。

巴黎雷欧著有《简明国际商务》（多所大学用作考研辅导书）《跨国公司内部谈判效益论析》（法文版）《法国现代书画艺术评论》（英文版3卷）和《雷欧带你认识法国》《雷欧带你认识巴黎》等书籍。

由于巴黎雷欧现系巴黎远东文化艺术协会负责人，巴黎远东艺术馆、巴黎雷欧珍宝馆和多种媒体及版权交易机构负责人，非常繁忙，所以此译本尚未得巴黎雷欧先生审阅，特此说明。

Paris gold Key

巴黎金钥匙